Why are you here?
That's the question we've asked for so long that ambiguity has become our posture. It's what we woke up forgetting to remember this morning while settling instead for the same motions as yesterday. And I don't have the answer either. But why are you here, specifically? On a website that houses yet another collection of words written by a stay-at-home-mom who finds their own mental cacophony important enough to ask you to dive in and see what resonates?
I'm hoping you're here because I'm a lot like you. I'm tired, I'm cynical sometimes, and more often than not, my self-criticism bleeds out at such a high volume that I can't help but lay my hyper-critical hands on the people who are on the same team as I am. I'm failing forward trying to beat away the negative loops that create depression in me, and I'm tired. Did I say that?
But I don't believe my God wastes suffering, and the reality is that sometimes our lives contain more of that than we think they should. And too often people use their suffering, or religion, or fear, or childhood wounds to distance themselves from the very people they desperately need connection with. I know this because I do it, too. So, maybe you and I are both here because this blog is connection.
As a girl, I self-medicated Daddy issues with boys and books before knowing what self-medicating was, I disconnected from my body as a cutting teen hurt over her lost virginity, I drank and pilled my way through most of my teens and 20's to a full blown intervention and then relapsed 7 times and tried to kill myself while trying to get sober. I finally did, get sober that is. ;) (3.10.15)
Deep suffering bores the holes that deep love fills. And I found mine- in the man who saved my life and the marriage I didn't think was possible, in the God I thought I was too smart for, in the children I never wanted, and in the very woman I was so afraid of, that I hid her behind men, alcohol, pharmaceuticals, and fear. That's what suffering can do; take our prettied-up version of things and say"nah, come this way instead.". . . I'm really glad I did.
Above all else, I think everything in life has a lesson to teach and that it's of the"choose your adventure" variety - will we follow despair and disconnection or hope and unity? Even when my neurochemistry works against me, I wanna be one who chooses hope.
Join along in my words and posts. I'm sure to ponder the bible, the church, addiction recovery, religious trauma, psychedelics for mental health, my own mental health, and my journey from box-checking to people-loving.
Reach out. Question. Lean in. Wrestle. Get dirty knowing that the worldly definition of "clean" these days is questionable at best.
Instagram is my thought landfill- and I firmly believe social media can be used for actual authenticity. Follow me for more frequent content ... and obnoxious pictures.
You are seen, you are loved, and you're not alone.